Forget the usual sports movie roster; let's build a football team unlike any other. Inspired by the unsettling new sports horror film *Him*, we're assembling the ultimate squad, drafting players solely from the world of non-sports cinema. The rules are simple: no superpowers allowed – we want skill, strategy, and sheer cinematic grit.
First up, the head coach. Who better than the master strategist himself, Danny Ocean (George Clooney)? His meticulous planning and ability to assemble a winning team in *Ocean's Eleven* translate perfectly to the gridiron. Coach Ocean will be meticulously studying game film, devising trick plays that would leave any opposing defense bewildered and demoralized. He's a guaranteed home run hire, destined for the Hall of Fame.
At quarterback, we have a surprising choice: Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) from *Point Break*. A former Rose Bowl-winning quarterback at Ohio State, Utah's experience, despite a career-ending knee injury, makes him a compelling pick. Though his clutch moments may be questionable given his failure to apprehend Bodhi, his arm strength and pocket presence are undeniable.
For the running game, we need power and agility. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) from the *Mission: Impossible* franchise brings relentless determination and clutch performance. He's our dynamic change-of-pace back. Complementing Hunt is Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) from *The Texas Chain Saw Massacre*. This behemoth provides the brute force needed for those crucial short-yardage situations. While his ball security might need some work, his sheer size and determination are intimidating.
At wide receiver, we have Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis) from *The Last of the Mohicans*. His agility and speed, honed from years of tracking through the forest, will translate beautifully to the football field. Pairing him with Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) from *The Matrix*, whose extraordinary vertical leap would make even the most talented NFL receiver envious, creates an unstoppable duo. Their aerial connection will redefine the term 'Brady-Moss'.
The tight end position? Kronk (Patrick Warburton) from *The Emperor's New Groove*. Need we say more? His size and strength are undeniable, plus he could moonlight as team cook.
On defense, we're starting with Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from *Predator*. If he could take down an extraterrestrial hunter, offensive linemen will be child's play. His leadership and sheer force of will are essential.
Next, we need some serious defensive tackles. Eddie Murphy provides two perfect choices: Rasputia (from *Norbit*) and Sherman Klump (from *The Nutty Professor*). Rasputia’s ferociousness is a natural fit, while Klump, with his intellectual prowess, could potentially create performance-enhancing potions. Plus, Buddy Love could be our game-changing slot receiver.
Adding to the defensive line, Anders (Alan Ritchson) from *The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare* brings an unparalleled ferocity, ready to obliterate any opponent. Meanwhile, King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) from *300* provides unparalleled leadership, rallying the troops with his legendary Spartan spirit.
At cornerback, Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) from *Point Break* offers unmatched agility and cunning, learned from his years evading the FBI. He's joined by Mollaka (Sébastien Foucan), the Parkour Guy from *Casino Royale*. His impressive parkour skills will translate perfectly to making game-changing interceptions.
Finally, in the safety positions, we have the Tasmanian Devil, whose whirlwind speed and relentless energy make him an ideal free safety. Meanwhile, Juno (Natalie Mendoza) from *The Descent* brings unmatched ferocity and perseverance to the strong safety position. She's the last person any offensive player will want to meet coming across the middle.
And for special teams? Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks). His incredible speed, while lacking focus, makes him an unstoppable kick returner – simply tell him, 'Run, Forrest, run.' And handling placekicking? Park Doo-man (Song Kang-ho) from *Memories of Murder*, whose unorthodox but committed dropkicks display the precise focus needed for field goals.
This team isn't just about individual talent; it's about a unique blend of personalities and skills forged in the fires of cinematic adventure. This dream team, forged from the unlikely heroes and villains of non-sports movies, is ready to take the field and leave their mark on history.
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Originally published at: https://www.theringer.com/2025/09/19/movies/him-movie-jordan-peele-best-non-sports-characters-football-team
